I’ve not written in the log fer a’while now, truth be told, I was tired of this moon and was ready ta leave it b’hind. ‘sides I’ve been too busy trying’ to stay ahead of the bullets with me name on ‘em to worry too much about leaving a written legacy b’hind. This here is a tale worth telling, so I’ve taken some time while healing up to put the words down. So grab yer poison and sit by me bunk for a time, while I tell ye ‘bout the time we walked right into a compound full of Jiffy Pops on a chance we could get little Sitong back in to Carson’s luv’ing arms.
Fer months we’d been hearing how Blue Sun had taken Carson’s wife, Sitong, and were holding her prisoner fer some reason or another. I didn’t much care about it as there was no money in it fer me, so I don’t remember all the details. We got real close to getting some info when we raided an abandoned terraforming plant where the big cheese whiz for some fooking mining company I don’t remember the name of was hiding out with Gaspar’s kid (I swore an oath to get Gaspar Gomez’ kid back from these basterds in exchange for our ship and Annie, but that is another story). In any event, Jax put a bullet through the computer key card with the info and that was that.
On our way back to exchange Gaspar’s kid, Carson did some digging and heard a story about Sitong not being with the Blue Sun dicks, but with another gent by the name of Hobo, a well known slaver and human smuggler. We heard Hobo was looking for some help in getting Sitong to Blue Sun, as he didn’t much trust the law. So while Alex took the kid back to the ship, Carson, TNT, Jax and me, we tracked this slaver down to a compound in the middle of nowhere.
The compound was run by Rastafarian slavers with a hard-on for white slaves they used to tend and reap their pot fields and whatever else the sick fooks could think of. After some recon work, Jax told us the compound was busting with Jiffy Pops with more guns than Alliance troops in a fooking Unification Day parade.
Naturally, TNT started to go on an’ on about fooking planning this and fooking planning that, and my eyes glazed over. So, I looked over at Jax, and he bobbed his head and headed running real sneaky like toward the back of the compound. I told Carson to do the talking and before TNT could finish blabbering, I full throttled the mule straight to the Rasta-camp.
TNT sat on the back of the mule arguing with his fooking self about three different plans to get inside the compound, so I told him to shut up as we pulled up to the gate. Two unfriendly looking Jiffy Pops were standing guard. They stopped us before we got too close and Carson started to work a deal about exchanging guns for yellow rose petals or some shit, and the Jiffies were as confused as I was.
So I got out of the mule and walked toward the fookers, and I tells them I dunno what a yellow rose petal is but we are looking to buy a particular Asian woman from a chap named Hobo (apparently, that’s what Carson meant all along). One of the mooks saw my viper tattoos and put one and one together. I tried lying about me name, but there just aren’t enough crazed midgets on this bloody moon with viper tattoos so they weren’t going for it.
I thought of blowing a hole through the Jiffy Pop’s head, and charging into the compound, but seeing that there wasn’t a lot of profit for me in this deal, I told ‘em we were’t looking for trouble. We heard Hobo was in their compound and we just wanted to do some business and be on our way.
The guards let us in to the compound and agreed to take us to Hobo. We followed them in, and they took us through the whole compound. Jiffy Pops were everywhere armed with everything you can think off, but as long as they kept their guns in their pants, I wasn’t going to start the party.
Before we got to Hobo, a bunch of Aunt Jemimas started harrasing Carson and TNT like they were premium white meat. One of them gave me her baby while she rubbed herself all over TNT. Of course, not knowing what women are good for, he just stood there like a sack of taters. I figured on keeping the baby and bringing him up as my squire or something so I kept following the Jiffy’s toward Hobo’s barn. The Jerry Curls had a change of heart about the little monkey, so she rushed in a huff, took the kid away from me and walked away angrily before I could make her an offer.
Finally, the two guards took us to a large barn at the back of the compound and told us to go in and talk to Hobo. I’m not liking this one bit, but they let us keep our guns, and even gave me a giant bong to sample their mechanize. Feeling pretty confident, I tells the boys to follow me in to the barn.
The place is not well lit, but we don’t have to see well to tell this was one fooked up party house. All along one of the walls was a string of naked girls tied to poles. They were stoned out of their minds and not too responsive. Near by was a lass all dressed in red leather underwear, with legs up to her neck, and a big whip in her hands. By her was a sharply dressed chap with a large top hat. The Jiffy Pops told Hobo that we awere looking to do some business, closed the barn doors and left us inside.
Before I could say a word, Hobo, goes off and starts rapping his name. He’s waving his arms like a Reaver with a seizure, grabbing his crotch, weaving, bobbin’ and bopping and rhyming up beatz. Naturally, I thinks this is a rap battle and we have to prove ourselves before the Snout will show us respect. So, I start rapping too, and make up some mad libs on the spot. Hobo’s jaw just about hit the floor, so impressed was he with the Viper. He conceded defeat and asked what we wanted.
I tells Carson to deal for his wife, while I went check out the tied up girls. TNT’s brows were still furrowed; apparently confused that we could just walk straight into a place without arguing a plan for four hours, and was lost in his own thoughts.
The girls were in great shape—firm legs, healthy gums, with some delightfully soft wares were soft wares was required, so I walked over to the dominatrix to see if I could rent a couple for a bit. Everything seemed to be going as it meant to.
Carson was just about to shake Hobo’s hand on the deal for Sitong when, TNT suddenly woke up and started threatening Hobo with bringing in the Alliance and turning him in for slavery and kidnapping. Naturally Hobo, started feeling a little uneasy and I had ta intervene to save the deal. It took some doing but TNT eventually shut his mouth and let Carson finish off his deal. Money and weapons were exchanged, and the Dominatrix went off to get Carson’s wife. Sitong was in fairly good shape, though an emotional wreck. She hung around Carson’s neck like she was ’bout to fall off a cliff.
Wouldn’t you know it, but the Jiffy Pops apparently had a change of heart about wanting to live another day, ‘cause Jax comes over the com with word that hostiles are congregating all around the barn and don’t seem like they are in the mood for a Barbie. Fer once, I just wanted a clean deal, no fuzz, no mess. I was not in the mood fer killing!
I asked Hobo if he knows who I am. He says, he did. I asks him if his heard stories about what happens to those who cross Viper and his crew. He says, he has. So I asks him why he thinks that sending the Jiffy Pops against us is going to end any different. He says, he has nuthin’ to do wit it. The Jiffies do what they want. He was just here to do business with them and that its not up to him to tell them what to do. So I decide to let him live another day.
TNT is now freaking anxious and figgitin’. He’s pulling dynamite out of his pockets like a four year old on St. Patty’s day. So I gets an idea. “Hey Hobo,” I says, “how much for one of your darlin’s?” He says, “800 platinum,” I grit my teeth and he says"400, 400, I meant 400", so I pays the man and the legs with the whip goes over to untie one of them. While legs is busy, I asked TNT for one of his fire cracker clusters and he throws one at me just in time for my new girlfriend to stumble over to me. She gets on her knees and puts her arms around me, “Oh thank you, baby, thank you for saving me.” Being a gent an’ all, I says to her, “Sure darlin’, don’t worry yourself over it, now open your mouth like a sweet girl.” Apparently used to the command, she does so obediently and I stick the cluster of firecrackers in her mouth. Her eyes went wide as a fish out of water, and she starts screaming like a branded heifer, but luckily the dynamite muffled the sound. Before she could pull away I lit the fuse with the bong I still held. I nearly pissed me pants when I sees TNT’s face, but he’s too shocked to move muscle. So I open the barn door and give the sparkling-mouth gal a furious shove out the barn. She was so stoned and confused she goes flailing into the congregating Jiffy Pops. I wished I could have seen their faces, but I thought better and closed the barn door, got out my trusty auto shotgun, and made ready to lay waste to yet another compound.
The loud boom signaled the start of the party, so I opened the barn door and ran out. I blasted every Jiffy Pop I could see. There’s freaking pandemonium everywhere. Body parts scattered all over the pen, blood everywhere, Jiffy Pops still jumping and running for their lives. They don’t stay scared for long though and a few shot back, but those that managed to hit me, just bounced off me armor.
Two guards up on the guard tower let loose with their SAWs and bullets danced all around me. Carson, came out running right behind me using half his body to shield Sitong and let off a couple of rounds at a fur clad pimp in a feathered hat hiding behind a log fence but missed him. With the picture of TNTs face as I shoved the Girly-Bomb out the door firmly planted in my head and the emotional high from the bullets bouncing harmlessly off my armor and around me, I laughed maniacally—a continuous maelstrom of fire spat out from my shotgun. I almost got sentimental at the thought of leaving this moon behind—such good times.
TNT stayed in the barn trying to go after Hobo who jumped into a rabbit hole on the floor as soon as the girl exploded outside the barn. Jax had problems of his own. He apparently smelled like a bitch in heat because a kennel of guard dogs jumped him. I let a volley fly at the pimp-in-the-hat. My buckshots hit the fence and the fag ran away into the main house with a face full of splinters. I kept running toward the mule, yelling over the com for the others to do the same. Just as I jumped the log fence though, the Jiffy Pops up on the guard tower with the SAW get a beat on me and rain a hail of death on me. Bullets rip through my legs, and arms. A lucky shot punches a whole the size of a fist through my armor right into my gut and I double over and crash to the floor bleeding like a slaughtered pig.
I must have lost consciousness for a bit, because when I opened my eyes, this cocoa puff is pissing on my back, waving his gun in the air like a brown coat in Serenity Valley, and he’s singing about how he shot the Viper. That got my blood pumping and just as I was about to rip the bastard apart, he took me bonnet and runs straight into the marijuana patch. I saw all kinds of red and its not just from me wounds, but before I could run after the fook, I saw the Jiffies up on the tower starting to get another beat on me. Brains won over vengeance, that moment, so I ran for cover next to a bail of hay and I let me shotgun snap, crackle and pop two more Jiffies.
Carson managed to find some cover himself after barely surviving the fire gauntlet, and he shoved Sitong to cover. He took a couple of shots as a Cocoa Puff jumped out from behind a house before he ran to hide behind a chicken coop. He screamed “Jimmy likes Chickin’” as he did so. TNT was still in the barn, freeing the slave girls, who collapsed to the ground, stoned out of their minds. Jax was fighting off dogs and a crazy bitch with a machine gun that took a liking to him.
I’m leaking blood from a score of bullet holes, and my armor was the only thing from keeping my entrails from splattering on the dirt floor. I’m filled with adrenaline and pissed as hell about losing my bonnet. I yelled to the remaining Jiffy Pops to drop their weapons and let us leave peacefully or I was going to blow up the house with the Aunt Jemimas and the baby, but before they could respond, Carson, rolled out from his hiding place and with the skill of a heathen god of luck, puts down the two guard tower Jiffies with a hail of bullets from his six-shooters. Fairly impressed, and with no one left to shoot at me, I ran into the pot field to kill the son o’ a bitch who stole my bonnet. I searched everywhere, but the Spook was nowhere. Then I heard the sound of a chopper starting and saw the bastard riding away with me bonnet in his hand twirling it up in the air like some fooking trophy. I was about to run after him, when the Aunt Jemimas came out of the house waving molotov cocktails. “Threaten to kill our babies, you son of a bitch!” they screamed and lobbed the lit Molotov’s. The idiots nearly killed themselves with the bloody things, but I almost got one in me head, and had to jump clear of the explosion. Before all was said and done, they had set their house on fire, along with the chicken coop where Jimmy was hiding, and a good portion of the pot field.
I scrambled up with whatever strength I had left and I let a hail of buckshot fly over the crazy bitches head to scare them off and they scattered. That should show TNT that I can be merciful. Then, I rushed to the mule with Carson right behind me.
Just as I am about to get in the bloody thing, I saw the Jiffy Pops rigged a grenade to go off. I could barely see straight now, but I trusted the Viper luck and went to disarm the trap. Sure enough, I cleared the fooking thing and got in the mule. Carson got in the driver’s seat while I mounted our SAW on the mule. Sitong sat dazed on the back seat.
Carson, put the mule on reverse and he drove the thing next to the barn at the rear of the compound to get Jax and TNT. TNT has a few bullet holes fer scars he can later show the ladies. The Cocoa Puff that ran into the chicken coop, Jimmy, apparently made it out in time to put a couple of slugs into him before fleeing back into the main house. Jax jumped into the mule followed by TNT. TNT then lobbed a couple of dynamite clusters into the main building trying to flush the basterds out. The house started to burn and soon the pimp-in-the-hat and “I like chickin’” Jimmy rushed out guns blazing. I opened up with the SAW and bring Jimmy down, but the pimp shot me square on the chest and knocked my ass off the SAW. Carson, put the mule in drive and it roared toward the main gate. I regained consciousness just as TNT blasted the gate with a hundred rounds from the SAW. As the gate shattered into a million pieces, two more spooks jumped from behind the gate in a final act of defiance. TNT mowed one down while I took care of the other.
As the mule sped by their falling bodies, I reached out and took the Rasta hat from the Jiffy Pop I hammered. I looked mockingly at TNT as I flipped the new hat on my head and smiled. He looked back to the burning heap that was the compound with the scores of dead and wounded and then looked back at me. As I lost consciousness, I managed to smile at the look on his face—maybe for the first time, I saw respect on his face, or maybe just dumbfounded disbelief. “Yeah”, I thought, “I’m going to miss this moon.”