I’m alive I thinks to myself, playing back the mem’ries of trying to stop the bleeding from the hole in m’chest as big as my fist and having no luck about it. Yet here I am, I can feel my toes. With still my eyes close, I go to feel my chest, and my hand gets slapped. “Don’t touch it, let it heal.” I open my eyes an’ I see Chen Seamus Lee standing over me like a mother hen.
Sudden like the smells hit me, “god damn it Seamus, what’s dat you got on me, it smells like seaweed and fish scales!”, and he says to me, “yeah, yeah, that’s what it is with a little bit of horse shit to keep it all together. It’s helping keep the wound shut.” I wanta take a bite at his jugular, the son o’ a bitch, but he has me strapped down like a fooking calf, and he says to me, “hold still, you idiot, you’re going to burst the wound open again.” but befor’ I can chew through my bonds, I hear Captain Alex hail over the loud speakers letting everyone know we’re reaching our rendezvous point with the Serenity. “Sweet modder of mercy,” I says, “who’s flying my boat?!” Seamus shrugs me off like a baby lamb, and keeps poking at my wound like a retarded child in a school yard sandbox.
Sometime goes by and I hear alls gone well with the the meeting; we’ve dropped off the engineer passenger, delivered the horses, and got paid in return. Not bad fer a days work. But thats not all. The captain brings by this doctor from the Serenity crew along with some medical supplies. He looks too pretty and clean to know what the ‘ell his doing, but he patches me up pretty good. I bet Seamus is a bit miffed at having his horse shit plied off ’a me. Finally, Seamus lets me off the bonds and off the medical table and I think real hard as to whether I want to kill him or get back to flying the boat. I choose to fly given there’s a woman in m’cockpit and tha’s bad luck.
Well after some deliberatin’ and democratic-bullshit-decision-making, the captain agrees our best course of action is to get ourselves some hidden guns Jax left buried in Serenity Valley in Athens after the war. Oh, yeah, I forgot, there was also a’lot of hollerin’ about being wanted by the fooking alliance and having a price on our head, it was no news ta me so I tuned out for a bit, until suddenly I sees a video on an alliance broadcast of us going into Manny’s house and the bloke announcer talking about us murdering the poor basterd as well as us bein’ wanted for questioning about a missing police officer on Persephone. Well that ain’t right! If we’re going to be wanted, it shouldn’t be on falsities; we didn’t kill Manny. They got it all wrong, but we’re taking the blame fer it.
Soon after, things get even more interesting…I get a private message from my ol’ friend Badger. We exchange some unpleasantries and he says ta me that I have him all wrong. He says it was Manny who set us up with the bad drugs and took the real stuff for himself. ‘tis Manny, he claims, framed us for his murder so he could make a clean gettaway and tie up loose ends. I thinks to myself dat Badger spins a good yarn, and I hav’ ta admit there’s sense in it, but I’ll be a Reaver’s bitch if I don’ kill ’em both when I get my hands on ’em.
[Takes a good firm swallow of whiskey]
Anyway, I takes back the helm and make haste to Athens to meet up with an ol’ friend of Jax by the name of Martin Hazard. On our way, I see a blip on my sensors and thinks we’re being followed just outta sensor range. Annie does some of her magic with the sensors to try to get some more range out of them, but we don spot the ship again. I take some precautions to make sure we’re not being followed, and of course I’m pretty sure my superior flyin’ maneuvers shakes the tail.
We get to Athens and the captain doesn’t want to take any chances. Needing everyone in the crew who can handle a gun along in case of trouble, Seamus stays flyin’ the boat, while I join the rest of the crew on horseback and head to the meeting place.
We meet Gravedigger and he tells us he’s moved the weapons from their original hidin’ hole and he offers to tell us where they are and send us on our way. Fook that! we all force the leatherneck son’ o’ ah bitch to lead the way. If I’m getting shot at, so will he. So we ride the fooking horses, which I fooking hate on account that my legs don’t reach the fooking saddle pedals or stirrups or whatever the ‘ell their called, and I’m bouncing on the fooking saddle like a hot whore itchin’ for a bonus.
Before long the sun sets and Gravedigger takes us to a bloody cemetery. I get a little spooked since a cemetery is kinda hittin’ close to home after just having gotten intimate-like with a .50 cal slug. Having the grim reaper ticklin’ your asshole for a laugh gets a feller antsy ‘round a graveyard at night, ya know? I’m just getting to unclenching by butt-cheeks when I see a fooking head pop over a nearby wall. I scream like a molested sheep herder, but no one else sees anything and they toss it up to shadows in the moonlight. I keep my eyes open though, real wide, until we reach the church where Gravedigger claims the weapons are hidden in the catacombs below.
The captain and Annie stay behind to guard the horses and the rest of the crew (Carson Clay, Jackson “Jax” Briggs, Toby TNT Tucker and me) go down into the catacombs. We approach the main tomb chamber all cautious like when we get ambushed by a group of bounty hunters looking to cash in on our heads. We haggle fer a bit and they settle on letting everyone go in exchange fer me. I laugh at their fooking offer and look around for moral support from my crew, and get the uncomfortable feeling of my sacks hitting my throat from the look in their eyes. They decide in the end that they want me around for a little longer. In short, the negotiations hit a wall and bullets started flyin’. I tactifully hide myself behind Jax and let lose with my shotgun at the sons of bitches through jax’es legs. He gets showered by a hail of bullets from a basterd with a SAW. Luckily it must be the first time the basterd ever used it cause the bullets all go wide. Carson takes one of the shitheads down while another of them starts chucking grenades like an eager newspaper boy on his first route. Again, the basterds, must be awed by my reputation cause the cherry bombs go every which way and hardly lay a scratch on us. I’m worried at the kid with the SAW seein’ that even a jackass gets lucky sometimes so I rush his position and take cover. Just as I get to cover, I notice the kid has a gas mask on. I’m about to warn of trouble when someone points out the hidden gas canisters set on the walls nearby. Jax takes stock of the situation and charges my target, tumbles with him and tries to take MY mask. “Jax you son’ o’a bitch that’s my mask!” I yell to him, but he flips me off and keeps dancing with the shit-head. Meanwhile, TNT is rocking an rolling and takes another dip-shit™ out. Suddenly, the gas bombs blow and the whole tomb starts fillin’ with gas. Desperately, I frantically rush the kid with the SAW, trying to beat Jax to the mask. I want to take the kid out quick to stop him from trainin’ the SAW on my sweet ass, so I put my shotgun right on the back of his head and fire…um…AND I BLOW HIS HEAD OFF; MASK AND ALL…that didn’t work out like I planned. Jax looks at me holding the respirator canister (all that’s left of the mask) and his eyes water. I swear I think the kid’s about to snap…he’s either going to kill me, shit himself with laughter, or cry hysterically. “I didn’t think it would go through his head,” is alls I can say to Jax, and he says to me, “ITS A FOOKIN’ SHOTGUN! YOU FOOKIN’ IDIOT!” Then, before I can answer him, he chooses option D, and takes off running like the lightning. He leaves me there surrounded by the fooking gas. I can’t see my own dick in my own fookin’ hand! So I take a deep breath and hold it. I remember where TNT bounced one of the hunters so I set my self and head that way. In the mean time, Carson grabs a dead guy’s mask, and TNT remembers he has a gas mask in his pack and puts it on. I stumble through the gas with a single breath, find the dead slug, search him, get his mask and put it on.
Up on the surface, Annie and the captain hear the fight below, and Annie leaves the captain to come and help. The captain, hails Seamus and orders an evac, but Seamus has problems of his own. Two large ships are keeping guard over the hot zone and they don’ look like they’re going ta let anyone through. Annie, gets below to the catacombs, rushes to help, sees the gas, turns around and high tails it back to the surface, followed by Gravedigger, Jax and Carson…ah, thanks for the help sweethearts! When she gets back up, she finds all hell’s broke lose. There’s a couple of psychos with M60s spraying everything they see with a hail of bullets. Alex takes care of one and Annie takes the other, but the lovely couple still take fire from hidden positions.
Back down in the Tomb, I see there are stairs and a hidden entrance. I hear gun fire from up above, so I figures that the hunters are doublin’ back and that Alex and Annie are in trouble. So I leave all caution behind and run up the stairs…twang…I hear a wire snap under my boot…“Wire…” is all I whimper before a fooking claymore goes off under me. I manage to jump out of the way of most of the blast but I get a healthy portion of ass kickin’. Just as I start to dust myself off, a hunter pops through the hidden door. I jump off the stairs and take cover, so the bastard goes for the easier target, namely TNT who’d been following me up the stairs. TNT takes a good hit from a shotgun blast, but he rushes the basterd’s position and takes him out. We head back up the stairs and find ourselves inside a small cottage.
Meanwhile, Jax climbs up to the church steeple and uses his .50 cal sniper rifle to down a good portion of the remaining sons o’ bitches. The rest is just mockup. We win the day, just barely. The crew regroups and starts gathering all the hunters’ valuable hardware. Not a bad days work, not bad at all.