Find a Crew, Find a Job, Keep Flying

Week 13
Viper and the Jiffy Pops

I’ve not written in the log fer a’while now, truth be told, I was tired of this moon and was ready ta leave it b’hind. ‘sides I’ve been too busy trying’ to stay ahead of the bullets with me name on ‘em to worry too much about leaving a written legacy b’hind. This here is a tale worth telling, so I’ve taken some time while healing up to put the words down. So grab yer poison and sit by me bunk for a time, while I tell ye ‘bout the time we walked right into a compound full of Jiffy Pops on a chance we could get little Sitong back in to Carson’s luv’ing arms.

Fer months we’d been hearing how Blue Sun had taken Carson’s wife, Sitong, and were holding her prisoner fer some reason or another. I didn’t much care about it as there was no money in it fer me, so I don’t remember all the details. We got real close to getting some info when we raided an abandoned terraforming plant where the big cheese whiz for some fooking mining company I don’t remember the name of was hiding out with Gaspar’s kid (I swore an oath to get Gaspar Gomez’ kid back from these basterds in exchange for our ship and Annie, but that is another story). In any event, Jax put a bullet through the computer key card with the info and that was that.

On our way back to exchange Gaspar’s kid, Carson did some digging and heard a story about Sitong not being with the Blue Sun dicks, but with another gent by the name of Hobo, a well known slaver and human smuggler. We heard Hobo was looking for some help in getting Sitong to Blue Sun, as he didn’t much trust the law. So while Alex took the kid back to the ship, Carson, TNT, Jax and me, we tracked this slaver down to a compound in the middle of nowhere.

The compound was run by Rastafarian slavers with a hard-on for white slaves they used to tend and reap their pot fields and whatever else the sick fooks could think of. After some recon work, Jax told us the compound was busting with Jiffy Pops with more guns than Alliance troops in a fooking Unification Day parade.

Naturally, TNT started to go on an’ on about fooking planning this and fooking planning that, and my eyes glazed over. So, I looked over at Jax, and he bobbed his head and headed running real sneaky like toward the back of the compound. I told Carson to do the talking and before TNT could finish blabbering, I full throttled the mule straight to the Rasta-camp.

TNT sat on the back of the mule arguing with his fooking self about three different plans to get inside the compound, so I told him to shut up as we pulled up to the gate. Two unfriendly looking Jiffy Pops were standing guard. They stopped us before we got too close and Carson started to work a deal about exchanging guns for yellow rose petals or some shit, and the Jiffies were as confused as I was.

So I got out of the mule and walked toward the fookers, and I tells them I dunno what a yellow rose petal is but we are looking to buy a particular Asian woman from a chap named Hobo (apparently, that’s what Carson meant all along). One of the mooks saw my viper tattoos and put one and one together. I tried lying about me name, but there just aren’t enough crazed midgets on this bloody moon with viper tattoos so they weren’t going for it.

I thought of blowing a hole through the Jiffy Pop’s head, and charging into the compound, but seeing that there wasn’t a lot of profit for me in this deal, I told ‘em we were’t looking for trouble. We heard Hobo was in their compound and we just wanted to do some business and be on our way.

The guards let us in to the compound and agreed to take us to Hobo. We followed them in, and they took us through the whole compound. Jiffy Pops were everywhere armed with everything you can think off, but as long as they kept their guns in their pants, I wasn’t going to start the party.

Before we got to Hobo, a bunch of Aunt Jemimas started harrasing Carson and TNT like they were premium white meat. One of them gave me her baby while she rubbed herself all over TNT. Of course, not knowing what women are good for, he just stood there like a sack of taters. I figured on keeping the baby and bringing him up as my squire or something so I kept following the Jiffy’s toward Hobo’s barn. The Jerry Curls had a change of heart about the little monkey, so she rushed in a huff, took the kid away from me and walked away angrily before I could make her an offer.

Finally, the two guards took us to a large barn at the back of the compound and told us to go in and talk to Hobo. I’m not liking this one bit, but they let us keep our guns, and even gave me a giant bong to sample their mechanize. Feeling pretty confident, I tells the boys to follow me in to the barn.

The place is not well lit, but we don’t have to see well to tell this was one fooked up party house. All along one of the walls was a string of naked girls tied to poles. They were stoned out of their minds and not too responsive. Near by was a lass all dressed in red leather underwear, with legs up to her neck, and a big whip in her hands. By her was a sharply dressed chap with a large top hat. The Jiffy Pops told Hobo that we awere looking to do some business, closed the barn doors and left us inside.

Before I could say a word, Hobo, goes off and starts rapping his name. He’s waving his arms like a Reaver with a seizure, grabbing his crotch, weaving, bobbin’ and bopping and rhyming up beatz. Naturally, I thinks this is a rap battle and we have to prove ourselves before the Snout will show us respect. So, I start rapping too, and make up some mad libs on the spot. Hobo’s jaw just about hit the floor, so impressed was he with the Viper. He conceded defeat and asked what we wanted.

I tells Carson to deal for his wife, while I went check out the tied up girls. TNT’s brows were still furrowed; apparently confused that we could just walk straight into a place without arguing a plan for four hours, and was lost in his own thoughts.

The girls were in great shape—firm legs, healthy gums, with some delightfully soft wares were soft wares was required, so I walked over to the dominatrix to see if I could rent a couple for a bit. Everything seemed to be going as it meant to.

Carson was just about to shake Hobo’s hand on the deal for Sitong when, TNT suddenly woke up and started threatening Hobo with bringing in the Alliance and turning him in for slavery and kidnapping. Naturally Hobo, started feeling a little uneasy and I had ta intervene to save the deal. It took some doing but TNT eventually shut his mouth and let Carson finish off his deal. Money and weapons were exchanged, and the Dominatrix went off to get Carson’s wife. Sitong was in fairly good shape, though an emotional wreck. She hung around Carson’s neck like she was ’bout to fall off a cliff.

Wouldn’t you know it, but the Jiffy Pops apparently had a change of heart about wanting to live another day, ‘cause Jax comes over the com with word that hostiles are congregating all around the barn and don’t seem like they are in the mood for a Barbie. Fer once, I just wanted a clean deal, no fuzz, no mess. I was not in the mood fer killing!

I asked Hobo if he knows who I am. He says, he did. I asks him if his heard stories about what happens to those who cross Viper and his crew. He says, he has. So I asks him why he thinks that sending the Jiffy Pops against us is going to end any different. He says, he has nuthin’ to do wit it. The Jiffies do what they want. He was just here to do business with them and that its not up to him to tell them what to do. So I decide to let him live another day.

TNT is now freaking anxious and figgitin’. He’s pulling dynamite out of his pockets like a four year old on St. Patty’s day. So I gets an idea. “Hey Hobo,” I says, “how much for one of your darlin’s?” He says, “800 platinum,” I grit my teeth and he says"400, 400, I meant 400", so I pays the man and the legs with the whip goes over to untie one of them. While legs is busy, I asked TNT for one of his fire cracker clusters and he throws one at me just in time for my new girlfriend to stumble over to me. She gets on her knees and puts her arms around me, “Oh thank you, baby, thank you for saving me.” Being a gent an’ all, I says to her, “Sure darlin’, don’t worry yourself over it, now open your mouth like a sweet girl.” Apparently used to the command, she does so obediently and I stick the cluster of firecrackers in her mouth. Her eyes went wide as a fish out of water, and she starts screaming like a branded heifer, but luckily the dynamite muffled the sound. Before she could pull away I lit the fuse with the bong I still held. I nearly pissed me pants when I sees TNT’s face, but he’s too shocked to move muscle. So I open the barn door and give the sparkling-mouth gal a furious shove out the barn. She was so stoned and confused she goes flailing into the congregating Jiffy Pops. I wished I could have seen their faces, but I thought better and closed the barn door, got out my trusty auto shotgun, and made ready to lay waste to yet another compound.

The loud boom signaled the start of the party, so I opened the barn door and ran out. I blasted every Jiffy Pop I could see. There’s freaking pandemonium everywhere. Body parts scattered all over the pen, blood everywhere, Jiffy Pops still jumping and running for their lives. They don’t stay scared for long though and a few shot back, but those that managed to hit me, just bounced off me armor.

Two guards up on the guard tower let loose with their SAWs and bullets danced all around me. Carson, came out running right behind me using half his body to shield Sitong and let off a couple of rounds at a fur clad pimp in a feathered hat hiding behind a log fence but missed him. With the picture of TNTs face as I shoved the Girly-Bomb out the door firmly planted in my head and the emotional high from the bullets bouncing harmlessly off my armor and around me, I laughed maniacally—a continuous maelstrom of fire spat out from my shotgun. I almost got sentimental at the thought of leaving this moon behind—such good times.

TNT stayed in the barn trying to go after Hobo who jumped into a rabbit hole on the floor as soon as the girl exploded outside the barn. Jax had problems of his own. He apparently smelled like a bitch in heat because a kennel of guard dogs jumped him. I let a volley fly at the pimp-in-the-hat. My buckshots hit the fence and the fag ran away into the main house with a face full of splinters. I kept running toward the mule, yelling over the com for the others to do the same. Just as I jumped the log fence though, the Jiffy Pops up on the guard tower with the SAW get a beat on me and rain a hail of death on me. Bullets rip through my legs, and arms. A lucky shot punches a whole the size of a fist through my armor right into my gut and I double over and crash to the floor bleeding like a slaughtered pig.

I must have lost consciousness for a bit, because when I opened my eyes, this cocoa puff is pissing on my back, waving his gun in the air like a brown coat in Serenity Valley, and he’s singing about how he shot the Viper. That got my blood pumping and just as I was about to rip the bastard apart, he took me bonnet and runs straight into the marijuana patch. I saw all kinds of red and its not just from me wounds, but before I could run after the fook, I saw the Jiffies up on the tower starting to get another beat on me. Brains won over vengeance, that moment, so I ran for cover next to a bail of hay and I let me shotgun snap, crackle and pop two more Jiffies.

Carson managed to find some cover himself after barely surviving the fire gauntlet, and he shoved Sitong to cover. He took a couple of shots as a Cocoa Puff jumped out from behind a house before he ran to hide behind a chicken coop. He screamed “Jimmy likes Chickin’” as he did so. TNT was still in the barn, freeing the slave girls, who collapsed to the ground, stoned out of their minds. Jax was fighting off dogs and a crazy bitch with a machine gun that took a liking to him.

I’m leaking blood from a score of bullet holes, and my armor was the only thing from keeping my entrails from splattering on the dirt floor. I’m filled with adrenaline and pissed as hell about losing my bonnet. I yelled to the remaining Jiffy Pops to drop their weapons and let us leave peacefully or I was going to blow up the house with the Aunt Jemimas and the baby, but before they could respond, Carson, rolled out from his hiding place and with the skill of a heathen god of luck, puts down the two guard tower Jiffies with a hail of bullets from his six-shooters. Fairly impressed, and with no one left to shoot at me, I ran into the pot field to kill the son o’ a bitch who stole my bonnet. I searched everywhere, but the Spook was nowhere. Then I heard the sound of a chopper starting and saw the bastard riding away with me bonnet in his hand twirling it up in the air like some fooking trophy. I was about to run after him, when the Aunt Jemimas came out of the house waving molotov cocktails. “Threaten to kill our babies, you son of a bitch!” they screamed and lobbed the lit Molotov’s. The idiots nearly killed themselves with the bloody things, but I almost got one in me head, and had to jump clear of the explosion. Before all was said and done, they had set their house on fire, along with the chicken coop where Jimmy was hiding, and a good portion of the pot field.

I scrambled up with whatever strength I had left and I let a hail of buckshot fly over the crazy bitches head to scare them off and they scattered. That should show TNT that I can be merciful. Then, I rushed to the mule with Carson right behind me.

Just as I am about to get in the bloody thing, I saw the Jiffy Pops rigged a grenade to go off. I could barely see straight now, but I trusted the Viper luck and went to disarm the trap. Sure enough, I cleared the fooking thing and got in the mule. Carson got in the driver’s seat while I mounted our SAW on the mule. Sitong sat dazed on the back seat.

Carson, put the mule on reverse and he drove the thing next to the barn at the rear of the compound to get Jax and TNT. TNT has a few bullet holes fer scars he can later show the ladies. The Cocoa Puff that ran into the chicken coop, Jimmy, apparently made it out in time to put a couple of slugs into him before fleeing back into the main house. Jax jumped into the mule followed by TNT. TNT then lobbed a couple of dynamite clusters into the main building trying to flush the basterds out. The house started to burn and soon the pimp-in-the-hat and “I like chickin’” Jimmy rushed out guns blazing. I opened up with the SAW and bring Jimmy down, but the pimp shot me square on the chest and knocked my ass off the SAW. Carson, put the mule in drive and it roared toward the main gate. I regained consciousness just as TNT blasted the gate with a hundred rounds from the SAW. As the gate shattered into a million pieces, two more spooks jumped from behind the gate in a final act of defiance. TNT mowed one down while I took care of the other.

As the mule sped by their falling bodies, I reached out and took the Rasta hat from the Jiffy Pop I hammered. I looked mockingly at TNT as I flipped the new hat on my head and smiled. He looked back to the burning heap that was the compound with the scores of dead and wounded and then looked back at me. As I lost consciousness, I managed to smile at the look on his face—maybe for the first time, I saw respect on his face, or maybe just dumbfounded disbelief. “Yeah”, I thought, “I’m going to miss this moon.”

Week 8
This Moon Will Burn!

The Promise

Viper laid naked on the cool morning dirt on the main road of the deserted town. His body still smoked from the incendiary grenade blast that burned off all remaining body hair. The day had just started, but it had already been a full day. The early morning sun held no warmth for him. Bleeding from several bullet wounds, burnt, and with an unforgiving hangover, Viper had only one chilling thought cursing through his veins. “Vengeance,” he thought, “with my last dying breath I swear it—this moon will burn!”

One Day Ago

Viper landed the jury rigged firefly near Abner Couper‘s ranch without much fanfare. The re-entry had been tricky, but not overly challenging for a pilot of his skill. The jury rigged coffin had worked flawlessly. He stood admiring his and Annie’s handy work on the bridge while the farmer greeted the rest of the crew cooly below. As Viper’s thoughts drifted to the Gamer’s Choice in orbit above, TNT softened the rancher’s attitude below with the promise of weapons. He and Captain Faro negotiated a solid deal to exchange the guns for beef.

While the crew unloaded the weapons and secured the beef in the hull, Faro and Abner discussed the situation in Whitefall. The Diaz Brothers were still terrorizing the countryside and had to be stopped. Patience had had no success in tracking the villains down and reigning in their raids; no doubt because she was behind them in the first place. Abner, however, had heard that the brothers were seen in the neighboring town of Rockwell—about a days ride on horseback or eight hours drive on the mule.

Not having any better leads than the rancher’s, Faro decided to take the mule and head toward Rockwell to investigate. The ride was miserable through the hot arid countryside, but mainly uneventful. In a number of instances, the crew spotted armed men guarding their trail vigilantly, but they made no move against their passage.

After the long drive, they spotted the town lights in the distance while the sun began to set. Faro drove toward the lights and soon spotted an armed figure flagging them down with a flashlight. Faro approached cautiously while Jax and TNT covertly jumped off the vehicle and hid in the tall grass bordering the dirt road into town.

The armed figure on the road introduced himself as the town marshall, and exchanged pleasantries with Faro, but bade the crew their way without trouble.

Armed figures patrolled a large building at the center of town and seemed to track on Jax and TNT, but allowed them to enter the town without challenge.

There was a large contingent of Gypsies dancing and carousing in the center of town. Viper, not being one to shy away from a dangerously good time, left the others and joined in the festivities.

Faro entered the only inn in town while Carson remained outside looking after the mule. Meanwhile, Jax and TNT headed toward the inn and overheard a conversation about some men starting a bar fight the previous night that quickly spun out of control. Mr. Rockwell and his cronies ran the men out of town.

Faro heard much the same story inside the inn’s bar and after some further investigation identified the trouble makers as the Diaz brothers. TNT and the captain reunited at the bar and exchanged rumors while Jax took a sniping position on the inn’s roof. They decided to pay a visit to Mr. Rockwell, the town’s owner, and further inquire about the previous night’s trouble or perhaps even recruit his help in getting rid of the troublemakers once and for all.

On their way, TNT and Faro picked up Carson and headed to Rockwell’s residence (the large building at the center of town). They failed to notice Viper bathing in the town’s water fountain well on his way to getting smashed with two Gypsy girls who seemed incredibly friendly and taken in by the little fellow—“no fooking comments from you, TNT!”.

TNT and Faro arranged to meet with Rockwell, while Carson remained outside the house to keep a lookout. The meeting is not fruitful except for Rockwell’s job offer to pick corn for him. The three left the house and headed back toward the inn, when the captain asked if anyone had seen Viper. They attempted to reach him on his communicator but did not get a response.

Fearing foul play, or perhaps being annoyed that someone else would collect the bounty on the dwarf, TNT and Faro searched the town and finally located him, naked, and unconscious inside a tent. TNT slapped Viper around as much for his own enjoyment as to attempt to wake him up. Finally, the midget weakly opened his bloodshot eyes. “TNT, my friend! You know I love you, right?”

“You’re smashed, and your guns are missing.” retorted TNT trying to pull Viper off him.

“I gots all the gun I needs, right here” responded Viper while he brought his arms to the top of his head and gyrated his naked hips. Then, without warning, he warmly embraced the disgusted TNT. “You’re my buddy, man. You saved me from that giant snake!”

“Dump him in the fountain and sober him up,” ordered Faro through clenched teeth and before long Viper was entirely submerged in the town fountain again.

The two Gypsy girls rushed in to help Viper, thinking the men were trying to drown their cuddly little bear, and they dragged him back into the tent. “You ok, honey? Those mean men didn’t hurt you did they.”

“Nah, they didn’tz hurtz me none. Hey do you know where me weapons are darling, and mah pants?”

“Sure, honey, they are right here. We just didn’t want you to hurt yourself.”

Viper hugged his desert eagle, bunched up in the fetal position and passed out.

“Should we leave him in there, captain?” TNT asked, still disgusted by the memory of the small naked man’s hug.

“He seems to be in good hands. Come on, lets set the watch and get some shut eye,”

Here comes the sun

Viper woke up alone in the tent with the mother of all headaches. His mouth tasted like ass and he hoped it was the liquor’s after-taste because he didn’t remember a damn thing from the night before. He slowly gathered his clothing and weapons, while he tried to keep the room from spinning and walked outside the tent naked.

His communicator began to chirp loudly, and he lazily placed it in his ear and immediately regretted it as Carson’s voice exploded like a passing locomotive. “Viper, you stupid fuck, get your ass in cover there is a sniper trained on your worthless head!”

Instantly, the adrenalin kicked in and Viper ran toward the nearby mule. Without time to dress, he got his shotgun and grenade out, just in time to hear the three approaching figures behind him…without having to turn, Viper knew the tequila-laden breadth of the Diaz brothers behind him.

“We’re going to rip you apart little man. We’re going to break you, put you back together and break you again. You’re going to wish for us to kill you before we’re done with you!” Yup, that was them.

Then the real fun started. Viper dove for cover as the three men opened up on him with everything they had. Bullets ripped through his naked body, burning the hangover away like fire. Carson took a shot at the sniper, while Jax took aim at the Diaz brothers to lend Viper some cover and blew one of the men’s arm off, knocking him down to the ground and out of the fight. One of the Diaz brother’s retreated to safety below cover from the sniper on the inn’s roof. Other men emerged from the early morning shadows and threw grenades and Molotov cocktails up to the inn’s roof. Jax and Carson managed to jump clear of the explosions, while captain Faro picked up the grenade thrown at him and threw it back to his owner with deadly effect.

Riddled with bullets, Viper took his last stand. He wildly rushed at the Diaz brother taking cover from the sniper. Acting as a suicide bomber, he self detonated his incendiary grenade at point blank range from his enemy. Viper and the Diaz brother managed to jump clear of the main blast, however, the Diaz brother took a healthy portion of the explosion. The area where the grenade exploded burned with a maelstrom of hellfire.

The crew lobbed grenades of their own, hurting their targets badly and killing some. Gomez, a massive, machete wielding, son of a mexican whore, entered the balcony and tried to throw both Jax and TNT off the railing. TNT managed to evade his grasp, but Jax face-planted on the ground below. Carson, danced away from another volley of grenades and threw himself off the roof to land on Gomez. Before the big man could recover, Carson fired at the brute wounding him.

The other Diaz brother and his lackey opened up on the prone Jax, but he managed to rock and roll away from most of the shots, but is nonetheless badly injured. The badly burnt Diaz brother, attempted to rip into Viper with his AK-47, and succeeded in putting a couple more bullet holes into him. Viper frantically tried to tackle the son of a bitch to throw him into the grenade’s inferno, but he got bitched slapped and kicked in the ass for his attempt. The Diaz brother, hurt, but otherwise elated at the thought of escape, danced away like a pussy on the roof of the Rockwell house. However, before he could celebrate his escape from death for too long, Carson put his last bullet right between his eyes. Diaz no more.

Captain Faro jumped into the mule and ran over a mook standing behind it, and splattered another standing in his way. Another bastard lobbed a grenade at the mule, but it bounced off target but injured the captain anyway. As Faro accelerated out of the fight, the sniper hiding behind a group of barrels, stuck an anti-tank mine on the mule while another bastard fired a missile launcher from the nearby tall grass. Luckily, the cross-eyed mother fucker launched the missile completely off target, and Faro turned him into cat nip with a savage hit from the speeding mule—side note: Faro also ran over an innocent bystander on his way to the missile bearing mook—yup, he splattered his guts all over the windshield so badly no one will ever find the body. Faro doesn’t get far before the mine goes off. The captain, burnt and shredded by flying shrapnel still managed to retain control of the burning hunk of metal and brought it to a stop. He jumped out and ran the hell away just in time to feel the blast of the secondary explosion behind him. “Shit, that’s going to cost a lot of money.”

Meanwhile, TNT pushed Carson off the roof and threw himself at Gomez, placed a claymore right between his legs and triple somersaulted off the balcony to land on his feet on the ground below, “Yeah, I fucked him,” he retorted at the obviously impressed mooks in front of Jax. As in reply, Gomez screamed as the claymore went off. However, he managed to evade some of the blast and fled like a Frenchman inside the inn. The remaining Diaz brother was killed, and the rest of the cronies ran away.

With his last remaining strength, Viper stumbled to the main road and yelled for Gomez to come out and face him; seeing no one emerge from the inn, he collapsed to the ground from exhaustion and pain.

“The battle is won,” he thought as he laid naked on the cool morning dirt and fought to retain consciousness. His body still smoked from the incendiary grenade blast that burned off all remaining body hair. The day had just started, but it had already been a full day. The early morning sun held no warmth for him. Bleeding from bullet wounds, and burnt, his hangover came back with unforgiving vengeance. "Vengeance, he thought, and a single, chilling thought cursed through his veins. “Yes, vengeance,” he repeated, “with my last dying breath I swear it—this moon will burn!”

Week 7
"It's a Zoo Down Here" Another Viper perspective

“What do you mean you’re attached to another ship?” Captain Faro shouted into the communicator.

“Well, you see captain,” Seamus repeated slowly as if talking to a child, “I tried running the blockade, by heading right into the hunter’s Firefly and rolling to the right at the last possible second, but the idiot pilot of the other ship decided to evade in the same direction, and well, our right engine is stuck in their cockpit.”

“So what are you really saying Seamus?”

“Gamer’s Choice is stuck in orbit, sir. I can’t enter the atmosphere even if I could get the ship loose. I just don’t trust flying in planet with a single engine, plus there might be hull damage, and my fish…”

“Yer mean we’re fucking stuck in this shit-hole of a planet—that’s what you’re saying,” interrupted Viper into the communicator.

“As far as me going to get you yes, but before the accident, I managed to force one of the other ships down—I think it was a shuttle. The sensors, if I remember how to read them right, show the ship landed a few miles from your current location.”

“Just perfect,” retorted Faro as he shut down the communicator in disgust. “You’re never leaving that fucking ship again, you hear me Viper! That’s where you should have been in the first place, rather than trying to get yourself blown up down here. Damn it!”

Viper held his tongue, not wishing to point out that it was the captain’s idea for him to come planet-side in the first place.

" Toby TNT Tucker , and Carson, load up the hunter’s weapons and the stash on the horses and get ready to move out. I’ll see about getting the coordinates of that shuttle from Seamus."

“Ah, Ta Ma Duh! Not the fooking horses again, Alex, my feet don’t even reach the peddles.”

“Bee-Jway Viper! I swear I’ll tie you to the damn horse and stuff your mouth shut with horse shit myself to keep you quiet! I’m in no mood.”

“Alright, alright,” cowed Viper his arms up in the air as to ward off an attack, “I love the beasts, no worries, Alex, I’ll ride the lovely horse.”

Carson and TNT finished loading the horses in no time and the group headed to the coordinates Seamus was able to decipher from the sensors.

“Let’s hope your lunch-and-learn session on sensors with Seamus pays off Viper or we’re going to be wandering from one side of this planet to the other looking for that shuttle.”

“We really don’t have much choice do we Cap,” TNT chimed in, “If any of those hunters got away, they may be bringing the whole god damn alliance down on us soon.”

After several hours of travel, the group saw smoke rising from the distance and headed in that direction. Soon they found the shuttle about a hundred feet from the trail they were riding on. The shuttle appeared to have crash-landed in a field of tall grass.

Viper, Carson and TNT moved into the tall grass and stealthily approached the ship, cautious to any signs of life. Annie and the captain remained behind to guard the horses.

About fifty feet into the grass, Viper and TNT noticed what appeared to be animal bones. TNT crouched down to investigate while Viper continued his stealthy approach to the shuttle.

“Most likely coyotes,” thought Viper, “With any luck they’ve taken care of any survivors in that shuttle. Damn me to a life of peace if I can see over this damn grass!”

Before he knew what hit him, Viper was swung around in the air, his shoulder ripped open by sharp feline fangs. “What the fook—a lion!” thought Viper in the split second his life flashed in front of his eyes, and screamed “Why does it always have to be me!”

Suddenly all hell broke loose. Lions pounced everywhere out of the brush. Feline roars and gunfire exploded in a cacophony of action, pandemonium everywhere. The lion that got Viper dry humped him while ripping his shoulder open, a horse whinnied in terror as a lion’s claw’s ripped into his side and brought it down. Captain Faro, screamed like a little virgin girl on her wedding night and fired his weapon at a charging lion like its the fooking Chinese New Year.

“Oh no!” Carson yelled, “its got Viper’s horse!”

“At least there is a bright side to all this!” smiled Viper despite being abused like a sex kitten.

TNT got his own lion and brought him down, while Carson shot the ear off the lion on Viper. Either because it was done with him or because of Carson’s shot, the lion let go of Viper and ran back into the brush. The battle was over. So much for surprising anyone on that boat.

As the crew got closer to the shuttle, Viper smelled fuel and saw electrical sparks close to the source. Without hesitation, shoulder bleeding, leg hurting, and a little sore, he valiantly ran into the cockpit and started shutting off systems.

“What’s going on Viper?” shouted TNT as he entered the shuttle. “Oh, don’t worry lad, I got this. Just sit down back there is tha passenger section and take a load off.”

TNT shrugged and headed to the passenger section, “Do you smell fuel?” he shouted back at the cockpit.

“Nah, nah, just yer imagination kid! There’s nothing to worry ‘bout, just have a sit and relax. You’ve had a long day.”

“Wu de Mah!” TNT screamed as a lion pounced at him from the coach section. As Carson entered the shuttle, another lion rushed out from behind another seat. TNT nailed his lion with a fierce hit with the butt of his rifle, while Carson fired his six-shooters at the other.

Viper’s butt puckered at the sound of gunfire so close to dripping fuel, but determined to not be stuck in this shit-hole planet, continued to frantically shut off systems.

Finally, the last of the systems shut off and there was no explosion to be had. The group inspected the shuttle and while its in rough shape, it could be repaired and made ready for space. Annie and Viper get to work on repairs and after several hours of work, thought the ship was space worthy. Not wanting to risk the entire crew, Viper volunteered to wear the only available space suit and do a test flight out of the atmosphere to make sure the ship could handle it. Checking the fuel supply, he determined that there would be enough fuel to do the test.

Viper took the shuttle and it flew well enough, but when he left the atmosphere, his fears were realized. There appeared to be a breach in the hull and the ship was not maintaining life support. Viper contacted Seamus aboard the Gamer’s Choice and asked him to get all the available space suits while he docked on to the side of the ship. Of course, our HOE-tze duh Pee-goo of a captain had only two suits aboard…one for him and the other for Annie.

Viper contacted the captain and told him what he discovered. The crew decided to have Viper inspect the shuttle for more damage and to repair the hull. Several more hours of work and the hull was successfully repaired and one of the landing gear was removed because of heavy damage.

Viper took the shuttle back to the planet, picked up the crew, some lion pelts and the surviving lion TNT knocked out, back to the Gamer’s Choice.

Seamus was excited about having a pet lion to help him guard the ship while everyone was away, and quickly went to work at securing the lion steaks and pelts.

Before long, TNT, Viper and Captain Faro got in their space suits and did a quick recon of the exterior of the hunter’s ship. After some brief discussion on how to breachit, TNT lead the group to the rear of the boat, and hot wired the cargo bay doors open.

The crew entered the ship, and began a thorough room by room search. They found a girl from Whitefall in the hunter captain’s room, chained to the wall, dressed in black leather, and obviously harshly treated. The trio rescue the girl and promised to take her back home…of course, for a price.

The crew continued their recon of the enemy ship and made it to the engine room. TNT and Faro swept the room and deemed it safe. Viper approached the engines for a quick inspection when a 400’ long boa dropped on top of him and began a not-so gentle hug.

TNT, you fook, you said the room was clear! Why does it always have to be me!” Viper’s muffled yell could hardly be heard. TNT moved in and smashed the serpent’s head with the butt of his rifle and after what seemed a purposely long time, managed to pull Viper out of the coils.

The enemy Firefly seemed in good shape less the gargantuan freaking engine through is bridge.

Viper headed back to the Gamer’s Choice and used his superior piloting skills to pry the ships apart.

The crew decided that they must return to Whitefall with the weapons for Abner and to collect on rescuing the girl. It’s decided to take both ships and to jury rig the Firefly’s cockpit to fly into orbit and land in Whitefall.

Annie and Viper attached an escape pod (a “coffin”) to the Firefly’s cockpit and hooked up life support to it. The crew load up the Firefly with the weapons, mounted the mini-gun on the mule and load it as well on to the Firefly and head to Whitefall.

Viper piloted the ship safely into orbit and headed toward Abner’s’s farm.

Week 6
Viper's campfire tale

I’m alive I thinks to myself, playing back the mem’ries of trying to stop the bleeding from the hole in m’chest as big as my fist and having no luck about it. Yet here I am, I can feel my toes. With still my eyes close, I go to feel my chest, and my hand gets slapped. “Don’t touch it, let it heal.” I open my eyes an’ I see Chen Seamus Lee standing over me like a mother hen.

Sudden like the smells hit me, “god damn it Seamus, what’s dat you got on me, it smells like seaweed and fish scales!”, and he says to me, “yeah, yeah, that’s what it is with a little bit of horse shit to keep it all together. It’s helping keep the wound shut.” I wanta take a bite at his jugular, the son o’ a bitch, but he has me strapped down like a fooking calf, and he says to me, “hold still, you idiot, you’re going to burst the wound open again.” but befor’ I can chew through my bonds, I hear Captain Alex hail over the loud speakers letting everyone know we’re reaching our rendezvous point with the Serenity. “Sweet modder of mercy,” I says, “who’s flying my boat?!” Seamus shrugs me off like a baby lamb, and keeps poking at my wound like a retarded child in a school yard sandbox.

Sometime goes by and I hear alls gone well with the the meeting; we’ve dropped off the engineer passenger, delivered the horses, and got paid in return. Not bad fer a days work. But thats not all. The captain brings by this doctor from the Serenity crew along with some medical supplies. He looks too pretty and clean to know what the ‘ell his doing, but he patches me up pretty good. I bet Seamus is a bit miffed at having his horse shit plied off ’a me. Finally, Seamus lets me off the bonds and off the medical table and I think real hard as to whether I want to kill him or get back to flying the boat. I choose to fly given there’s a woman in m’cockpit and tha’s bad luck.

Well after some deliberatin’ and democratic-bullshit-decision-making, the captain agrees our best course of action is to get ourselves some hidden guns Jax left buried in Serenity Valley in Athens after the war. Oh, yeah, I forgot, there was also a’lot of hollerin’ about being wanted by the fooking alliance and having a price on our head, it was no news ta me so I tuned out for a bit, until suddenly I sees a video on an alliance broadcast of us going into Manny’s house and the bloke announcer talking about us murdering the poor basterd as well as us bein’ wanted for questioning about a missing police officer on Persephone. Well that ain’t right! If we’re going to be wanted, it shouldn’t be on falsities; we didn’t kill Manny. They got it all wrong, but we’re taking the blame fer it.

Soon after, things get even more interesting…I get a private message from my ol’ friend Badger. We exchange some unpleasantries and he says ta me that I have him all wrong. He says it was Manny who set us up with the bad drugs and took the real stuff for himself. ‘tis Manny, he claims, framed us for his murder so he could make a clean gettaway and tie up loose ends. I thinks to myself dat Badger spins a good yarn, and I hav’ ta admit there’s sense in it, but I’ll be a Reaver’s bitch if I don’ kill ’em both when I get my hands on ’em.

[Takes a good firm swallow of whiskey]

Anyway, I takes back the helm and make haste to Athens to meet up with an ol’ friend of Jax by the name of Martin Hazard. On our way, I see a blip on my sensors and thinks we’re being followed just outta sensor range. Annie does some of her magic with the sensors to try to get some more range out of them, but we don spot the ship again. I take some precautions to make sure we’re not being followed, and of course I’m pretty sure my superior flyin’ maneuvers shakes the tail.

We get to Athens and the captain doesn’t want to take any chances. Needing everyone in the crew who can handle a gun along in case of trouble, Seamus stays flyin’ the boat, while I join the rest of the crew on horseback and head to the meeting place.

We meet Gravedigger and he tells us he’s moved the weapons from their original hidin’ hole and he offers to tell us where they are and send us on our way. Fook that! we all force the leatherneck son’ o’ ah bitch to lead the way. If I’m getting shot at, so will he. So we ride the fooking horses, which I fooking hate on account that my legs don’t reach the fooking saddle pedals or stirrups or whatever the ‘ell their called, and I’m bouncing on the fooking saddle like a hot whore itchin’ for a bonus.

Before long the sun sets and Gravedigger takes us to a bloody cemetery. I get a little spooked since a cemetery is kinda hittin’ close to home after just having gotten intimate-like with a .50 cal slug. Having the grim reaper ticklin’ your asshole for a laugh gets a feller antsy ‘round a graveyard at night, ya know? I’m just getting to unclenching by butt-cheeks when I see a fooking head pop over a nearby wall. I scream like a molested sheep herder, but no one else sees anything and they toss it up to shadows in the moonlight. I keep my eyes open though, real wide, until we reach the church where Gravedigger claims the weapons are hidden in the catacombs below.

The captain and Annie stay behind to guard the horses and the rest of the crew (Carson Clay, Jackson “Jax” Briggs, Toby TNT Tucker and me) go down into the catacombs. We approach the main tomb chamber all cautious like when we get ambushed by a group of bounty hunters looking to cash in on our heads. We haggle fer a bit and they settle on letting everyone go in exchange fer me. I laugh at their fooking offer and look around for moral support from my crew, and get the uncomfortable feeling of my sacks hitting my throat from the look in their eyes. They decide in the end that they want me around for a little longer. In short, the negotiations hit a wall and bullets started flyin’. I tactifully hide myself behind Jax and let lose with my shotgun at the sons of bitches through jax’es legs. He gets showered by a hail of bullets from a basterd with a SAW. Luckily it must be the first time the basterd ever used it cause the bullets all go wide. Carson takes one of the shitheads down while another of them starts chucking grenades like an eager newspaper boy on his first route. Again, the basterds, must be awed by my reputation cause the cherry bombs go every which way and hardly lay a scratch on us. I’m worried at the kid with the SAW seein’ that even a jackass gets lucky sometimes so I rush his position and take cover. Just as I get to cover, I notice the kid has a gas mask on. I’m about to warn of trouble when someone points out the hidden gas canisters set on the walls nearby. Jax takes stock of the situation and charges my target, tumbles with him and tries to take MY mask. “Jax you son’ o’a bitch that’s my mask!” I yell to him, but he flips me off and keeps dancing with the shit-head. Meanwhile, TNT is rocking an rolling and takes another dip-shit™ out. Suddenly, the gas bombs blow and the whole tomb starts fillin’ with gas. Desperately, I frantically rush the kid with the SAW, trying to beat Jax to the mask. I want to take the kid out quick to stop him from trainin’ the SAW on my sweet ass, so I put my shotgun right on the back of his head and fire…um…AND I BLOW HIS HEAD OFF; MASK AND ALL…that didn’t work out like I planned. Jax looks at me holding the respirator canister (all that’s left of the mask) and his eyes water. I swear I think the kid’s about to snap…he’s either going to kill me, shit himself with laughter, or cry hysterically. “I didn’t think it would go through his head,” is alls I can say to Jax, and he says to me, “ITS A FOOKIN’ SHOTGUN! YOU FOOKIN’ IDIOT!” Then, before I can answer him, he chooses option D, and takes off running like the lightning. He leaves me there surrounded by the fooking gas. I can’t see my own dick in my own fookin’ hand! So I take a deep breath and hold it. I remember where TNT bounced one of the hunters so I set my self and head that way. In the mean time, Carson grabs a dead guy’s mask, and TNT remembers he has a gas mask in his pack and puts it on. I stumble through the gas with a single breath, find the dead slug, search him, get his mask and put it on.

Up on the surface, Annie and the captain hear the fight below, and Annie leaves the captain to come and help. The captain, hails Seamus and orders an evac, but Seamus has problems of his own. Two large ships are keeping guard over the hot zone and they don’ look like they’re going ta let anyone through. Annie, gets below to the catacombs, rushes to help, sees the gas, turns around and high tails it back to the surface, followed by Gravedigger, Jax and Carson…ah, thanks for the help sweethearts! When she gets back up, she finds all hell’s broke lose. There’s a couple of psychos with M60s spraying everything they see with a hail of bullets. Alex takes care of one and Annie takes the other, but the lovely couple still take fire from hidden positions.

Back down in the Tomb, I see there are stairs and a hidden entrance. I hear gun fire from up above, so I figures that the hunters are doublin’ back and that Alex and Annie are in trouble. So I leave all caution behind and run up the stairs…twang…I hear a wire snap under my boot…“Wire…” is all I whimper before a fooking claymore goes off under me. I manage to jump out of the way of most of the blast but I get a healthy portion of ass kickin’. Just as I start to dust myself off, a hunter pops through the hidden door. I jump off the stairs and take cover, so the bastard goes for the easier target, namely TNT who’d been following me up the stairs. TNT takes a good hit from a shotgun blast, but he rushes the basterd’s position and takes him out. We head back up the stairs and find ourselves inside a small cottage.

Meanwhile, Jax climbs up to the church steeple and uses his .50 cal sniper rifle to down a good portion of the remaining sons o’ bitches. The rest is just mockup. We win the day, just barely. The crew regroups and starts gathering all the hunters’ valuable hardware. Not a bad days work, not bad at all.

Weeks 3 and 4

Week 3
The crew of the Dealer’s Choice was on the little moon of “White Fall” dropping off a load of cargo for Lucky Bill to Patience. She deputized the crew to handle a problem at one of the local watering holes and Carson Clay joins the crew. Viper and friends enter the bar where they encounter a drunken barfly named Zebidiah Marx. Everyone stares at the man, who weaves unsteadily. “I’m cursed! Gotta get rid of the curse!” he bellows and he turns his unfocused eyes on you. “You! You were there! You know about the curse and the treasure!” He manages to scramble down off the table and weaves toward you. He pulls his pistol out of his holster … and points it at his own head. Tears are streaming down his face. “Please. I’ve tried to drink the curse away … and it don’t work. Maybe this be the only way — to blow it clean out of my head.” His hand is shaking. You gotta help me. I don’t want no treasure. I just want to be free.” Zeb jumps back from the table, brandishing his gun. “Chui Se, Vultures! You think you’ll find the Lucius Newberry and claim the treasure for yourselves! It’s cursed, I tell you. And I’m doing you a favor by saving you the pain right now!” Zeb waves his weapon and pulls the trigger. A shot rings out . . . Zeb lowers his gun and collapses into a chair across the table from you. “You don’t get it, mate. Me and the Captain and three others were cast adrift in a lifepod. The rest just vanished into the Black and were never heard from again.” He starts shaking uncontrollably. Zeb struggles to control himself before continuing to speak, his eyes looking back on a distant time and place. “There we was … Captain Josephs, two Browncoats, one woman, and myself. The passengers had brought aboard a treasure that I heard tell was worth worlds. The ship’s cook turned out to be a Tong Da Gher Da — it was that Lurn Shwen Jab Jwohn who set the crew agin us. They asked me, but I wouldn’t have no part in it! It was mutiny, you see.” Zeb starts to mumble and eventually passes out. The crew receives payment from Patience and takes Zeb on their ship. They then take off for Abner Couper’s ranch to deliver the Owen Family without Patience knowledge. After faking some trouble with the ship they find the ranch being attacked by banditos and land to help Abner drive them off. The mule gets pretty badly shot up and Viper dodges a missile during the attack. After killing ten banditos (including one wild card) the bandits retreat and the ranch is saved. Abner pays the crew welcomes the Owen family to his ranch. After a brief discussion with Abner the Crew decides to try and collect the reward for the Gasper Gomez Gang.
Week 4
The crew of the Dealer’s Choice, still on the little moon of “White Fall”, borrows six of Abner’s horses to track the bandits down. Finding that it might take more than one day to find the bandits the crew camps for the night, and one of Patience’s posse’s finds them. After a brief discussion, Jax shoots at the posse and drives them off. After that the crew settles in for a peaceful night, and starts out early in the morning. By the next evenings they find the bandit camp and start an unprovoked attack which ends with Viper seriously wounded (four wounds) and one of the Diaz brothers dead. Many of the “extra” bandits have been killed as well and the leader Gasper and company flee because an unknown ship is on the way.

Galley Recipe Storage Unit - Diary of Seamus

Galley Recipe Storage Unit
Hermes’ Sandal
Captain R. N. Buckner

Protein loaf (6 servings)

5 Tubes of Protein Paste
1 1/4 teaspoons salt

[ERROR – Corrupted data – stack dump 8548764*6%$%99]
system check. Reload basic. Data removed.

Seamus Diary
Day 1 – I found this forgotten Data-library and decided to keep a log. We are on our way to Newhall to deliver some lumber, rolls of finished leather, and other building supplies to some wealthy fisherman, who owns an island and fishing fleet. He is going to build a wooden racing yacht and sail on that big sea. I can’t wait to get there and have my first look at a real ocean and smell the salt air. This is going to be great. Well, I think I will add some onions and sage to the protein paste and see what that does.

Day 6 – We reach Newhall with no problems and I have about three hours to walk on the beach and smell the air while Toby TNT Tucker and Jackson “Jax” Briggs unload the ship. The captain, Alexander Faro, is bargaining with the fisherman over the price for taking some rusted metal boat and some other junk to the nearby planet of Beylix because land on this planet is to valuable to waste on trash. I guess that is smart because throwing it in the sea would kill the fish.

Day 8 – Well, here we are on the way to Persephone after stopping on Beylix to drop off the junk. The captain made a deal with Jamie Meyers to haul some parts to Shamrock Trading Company, because we were only carrying a half a load of live and frozen fish from Newhall to a Chinese dealer at the Eavesdown Docks. From the stories Jax tells Delean “Viper” Wells got along with the Scottish recyclers real well. Drinking almost all night and then riding the “Whale”. I guess that it was some kind of sled/roller coaster ride that ended with a 75 foot chute drop. He got a “W” tattoo, which I guess stands for “Whale” or “Winner”, and a “W” for Wells. Well he showed up drunk and wanted to fly. They ask me to make him a hangover or sober tonic, which I did, but Jax hit him over the head and put him to bed. I wonder what a fish would taste like.

Day 10 – Awesome Day. I stabbed myself this morning to see if my healing spray would work and it passed without failure. It itched like crazy and was tender for most of the day, but it worked. Now it is ready to give to the crew when they leave the ship. It will not work on bullet wounds until the bullet is removed. I will have to think of something for that.

Day 15 – There was a big problem today with the fish cargo. The filtration system on the aquarium tank broke and Annie Faro had to jury-rig it to work. Of primary concern to me is management of the waste produced by the fish. Fish excrete nitrogen waste in the form of ammonia (which converts to ammonium, in acidic water) and must then either pass through the nitrogen cycle or be removed by passing through zeolite. Nitrogen waste products become toxic to fish at high concentrations. If I could put some live plants in the aquarium to help complete the nitrogen cycle, by utilizing nitrate as fertilizer. Maybe I should get some fish for my plants. Where would I put it?

Day 17 – Arrived a day early at Persephone and the front power stabilizer broke off during landing. Got real bumpy on the way down. The bad news was that most of the pay had to go to parts to fix the ship and the good part was that Annie found me a tomato plant while searching for them. Mr. Shamrock will be coming tomorrow morning to pick up his stuff. Hope he does not miss the stuff we took to fix the aquarium tank. Oh well, going to sell a couple of super adrenaline shots if I can find a buyer.

Day 18 – I overheard Jax talking to TNT about him shooting an Alliance detective who might have been watching the ship for the Tongs. Apparently TNT moved the car and hid the body where nobody would find it. I guess we are leaving tomorrow for Bernadette carrying a regular shipment for Shamrock and some drugs that Delean “Viper” Wells got from Badger to the Ramos brothers.

Welcome to your Adventure Log!
A blog for your campaign

Every campaign gets an Adventure Log, a blog for your adventures!

While the wiki is great for organizing your campaign world, it’s not the best way to chronicle your adventures. For that purpose, you need a blog!

The Adventure Log will allow you to chronologically order the happenings of your campaign. It serves as the record of what has passed. After each gaming session, come to the Adventure Log and write up what happened. In time, it will grow into a great story!

Best of all, each Adventure Log post is also a wiki page! You can link back and forth with your wiki, characters, and so forth as you wish.

One final tip: Before you jump in and try to write up the entire history for your campaign, take a deep breath. Rather than spending days writing and getting exhausted, I would suggest writing a quick “Story So Far” with only a summary. Then, get back to gaming! Grow your Adventure Log over time, rather than all at once.


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